So many rituals, routines and traditions take place as a way of welcoming and acknowledging life in a new season. These include clinking glasses to seal a toast, time change, but also celebrating holidays; raking leaves; pumpkin spice; pulling out the cool weather clothes, setting new year goals, etc.
One of my routines when the cooler weather comes is sitting in a warm bubblebath, surrounded by lit candles, with my window open during late night hours so that the warmth of the water meets the cool night air, creating a steamy, misty cocoon of comfort.
Last night was such a night for me.
At around 11pm, I drew my bath water adding my favorite lavender bubble liquid and some lavender and vetiver essential oils. As the water was running, I lit the candles that lined the bathtub and the bathroom vanity and opened the windows.
After about 20 minutes of soaking, I decided that I would follow the advice of my coach and practice doing nothing for 30 minutes. You might think that taking a bubble bath is doing nothing, but that is not the case for me. While in the tub I will read, watch a movie, catch up on emails, talk on the phone, etc. My coach says that for 30 minutes each day, we should practice doing nothing. No scrolling instagram or email; no talking on the phone; no anything.
"30 minutes", I thought. Maybe I'll just set my timer for 15 minutes and meditate. However, I realized that I wasn't in the mood to just sit there in quiet meditation. I probably really needed too, but I wasn't in the mood for that, yet I still wanted to sit still in meditation. I decided that I would meditate on a question that had been on my mind for the past few days.
Now this wasn't exactly a prayer to God but an actual question to the ancestors and any other spiritual guides there to help and watch over me. For me, this also includes God by default because God is always there, and because it is my conscious intention to go to God whenever.
I won't get into what my question was in this blog post, that may come at another time, but I can tell you that I received an answer that was a surprise to be because of it's definitiveness as well as the way it was revealed.
I was taken back to a time when I was about 8 or 9 years old. I don't mean that I was physically transported back in time, but it was a visual transportation. It was like watching a replay of that day and I was on the outside looking in, watching and remembering. That day I was getting the news from my Dad that my grandfather (step) had just passed away.
Being an adult, I can now put words to what I was feeling that day. I wasn't sad about my grandfather. There was a knowing that I had about death and this knowing was that death wasn't a bad thing. I understood that it made the adults left behind cry, but us kids didn't cry about that. We cried because the adults cried. We cried because the energy within that environment was sad, and heavy. And when we cried the adults accepted those tears as sad, grieving tears; and when we cried the adults were there with open arms to show their love and protection for us. We felt accepted, wanted, loved.
During my meditation, I also remembered a conversation between my grandmother and my dad about me. She was very concerned about me and my "shyness". I was perceived as being really shy and too quiet. She wondered if maybe I was mentally challenged. I remember feeling/thinking that I wouldn't be accepted or loved if people thought that I was mentally challenged or not smart enough. That thought and feeling eventually developed into an overall feeling of being "not enough".
The question that I mediated on, (I guess I'm going to reveal it now after all), was "What is holding me back from being my best self?"
Like many of you I have so many ideas. Good ideas. But often I don't react on those ideas. I let them come and go, or I start to implement but don't finish.
There are times when I don't volunteer to answer a question, even when I know that answer. I tell myself that I may be wrong. The underlying feeling is a fear of rejection. If I'm wrong people will think I'm not smart (mentally challenged). I'll be rejected for not being good enough.
I avoid being noticed, especially in groups. I may not fit in or I'm not good enough.
You see the theme here.
Obviously the thing that is holding me back is my fear of rejection, but I never put the pieces together this way before meditating on my question last night.
Obviously I've left out some details because this story would go on and on otherwise.
The gist of this is that I've been holding myself back because of my underlying fear of rejection, my limiting belief that I am not enough. Intellectually, I know that I am enough. This is what I have to remind myself of and make it a mantra - I am good enough.
If you have been dealing with low self-confidence, imposter syndrome, feelings of worthlessness, make meditation a part of your daily practice so that you can be still and trace back where those feelings and thoughts originate.
At the end of my meditation the message I received was: Don't fear rejection, it's a good thing. It's there because You Are Enough. Rejection is for your protection. It weeds out those things and people that are not for your good.
As I said, I was surprised by this message or maybe more surprised by the way in which is was delivered. Maybe I was surprised by my feelings and where and how they originated. Nevertheless, I was surprised. But, I'm grateful and I'm moving forward.